My Daughter Doesn't Like My New Beau
I am a 51 year old woman who has been divorced for 2 years.
My husband and I divorced after 19 years of marriage. There wasn’t any cheating
or abuse, we just grew apart and after our daughter graduated high school we
decided to go our separate ways and try to find happiness again. Overall I have
done great. I have a cute little apartment, friends and I’ve started taking
pottery classes. I even met a guy online; but this is where it gets tricky. I
really like him, but he and my daughter do not get along at all.
To be honest, my daughter started it by being so resistant to
his involvement in anything. She does attend college away, but comes home often.
Once I knew that he and I could actually be something, I introduced him to her.
She immediately put up a wall. She has no interest in getting to know him or
doing anything with us when she is home. He has come to resent the trouble and
stress she is causing me. Is this normal? What should I do? I don’t want to
break up with “Ken”, but I don’t want to lose my daughter either.
Thanks for your help,
Torn in VA
Dear Torn
First of all, let me say I’m sorry your marriage didn’t work
out. It saddens me to hear that people just grew apart, even though I do understand
that life can sometimes take us in different directions. While it sounds like
you and your husband had an understanding, it appears your daughter did not. Sometimes
couples make an agreement to stay in a marriage until the children are grown
thinking it is better not to disrupt their lives while they are still in
school. While this is probably true in most cases, there are occasions when
this type of bomb shell on a child, especially if there was not obvious tension
or fighting in the home, is to feel a sense of betrayal; like their entire
childhood/family was a sham and they are not sure what is real. It is possible
this is what has happened with your daughter. She is secretly, or maybe not so
secretly, angry with you (and her father) for ‘pretending’ to be a happy family
and then splitting when she got out of school. She may also feel slightly
guilty for being the reason you guys stayed in an unhappy marriage if in fact
she knows why you waited. So my advice regarding her, is to just be patient and
show an tremendous amount of compassion.
Now I don’t really know much about Ken; how you met, how he
treats you or what he contributes to the relationship. You didn’t mention
getting remarried, but I’m sure you’ve read all the statistics on second
marriages especially when the children are opposed. If you really believe that Ken
is the ‘one’ and worth it, my suggestion is to not break up with him, but to become
wiser in your time. Maybe, for a while, do not schedule outings with Ken when
your daughter is home, or talk to her about him when she calls. Keep the two in
separate corners of your life for awhile. Of course, Ken needs to understand and
have compassion for her feelings and position as well. After all, she is your
daughter and will always be a part of your life, even when she is out on her
own.
The bottom line for me is this; you will never be happy in a
relationship/new marriage if your daughter does not accept him. It is possible
she is just being bratty and you may need to call her on that, but I believe she
is just having a hard time accepting the divorce, even after 2 years. Let some
more time pass with keeping those two parts of your world apart for now. It
will give you quality time with her when she is home and still plenty of time
with Ken. As you learn more about him, you can then decide how he fits into
your life. It is my opinion, if he is a quality guy and brings value into your
world, you daughter will see that and will want you to be happy.
I hope this was helpful and I wish all the best for you and
your daughter. Dates/relationships can come and go, but our children, well, they
are our heart and soul. I am sure this will work out the way it is meant to.
Let me know how it goes.
Until then…
Hope With Abandon
J. Hope
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