My Newly Single Friend Has Gone Wild (And Wants Me To Go Too)

Dear Finding Hope

I have a question about my relationship with my best friend “Amy”. I’ve known Amy for several years and met at work while we were both married. I divorced about three years ago and she was very supportive of me during that time. About seven months ago she told me that her and her husband had decided on a trial separation. I knew things weren’t great, but didn’t realize it had come to that. Anyway, he moved out, and well, to be quite honest, she went a little wild. Having only known her as a married women, I was not prepared for her new ‘lifestyle’.

Hope, she wants to go out several times a week, and does not seem to know when to go home. Which I guess is her right, but she always asks me to go. She knows I’m single too and she wants company (and sometimes a designated driver). I don’t want to sound like a prude; I have fun when I’m with her. She’s lively and flirtatious with never a dull moment; but I’m really not into that scene and I’m getting a little tired of being her tag-along. But I’m also worried about her getting into a sticky situation with a guy if she has too much to drink and is left on her own. I don’t know what to do. I keep thinking she will get tired of this and it will resolve itself, but so far, she is still on a roll. I would love to know your opinion.

Tired Side Kick In TN

Hello Tired

First, let me say that I’m very glad you have been there with and for your friend. It sounds like she suppressed a lot of emotion and energy during her marriage, and she is now letting off steam. This is not an uncommon scenario, but it isn’t always a healthy one either. There is nothing wrong with wanting to get out and explore new surroundings when one finds themselves ‘single’ again, but from your letter, it doesn’t sound like that is even the case if it was planned to only be a trial separation. Being flirtatious and wanting attention from men is not the behavior of someone who is wanting to work things out with her husband.

If you feel comfortable asking, I would suggest sitting down with her over lunch or even a phone call (but not during a ‘night out’) and simply ask her how things are going with the separation. Does she think they will get back together? Are they going to counseling? She may need someone to steer her back into that thought pattern. However, if she does want to proceed with a divorce and her freedom, you do need to speak up for yourself when it comes to your involvement. Tell her you love spending time with her and she’s a lot of fun, but you can’t go out as often. You could try driving separately so you can leave when you are ready to go home on the nights you do agree to go. I understand you are worried about her, but she’s a grown woman and has to be responsible for her actions. Uber is a fairly reliable option. Make sure she has the app on her phone and maybe the two of you can take an Uber ride together sometime so she feels comfortable with it if she needs it. As far as the guys, again, she is grown and has to be able to make good decisions. You cannot follow her around to protect her. You can express your concern and offer advice on making wise choices based on your experiences since becoming single again yourself. Be supportive and encouraging and let her know she can always talk to you, but at the end of the day (or night), she has to live with the decisions she makes.

I hope this helps and I trust you have the type of friendship where she will truly listen to your concerns and know you have her best interests at heart. Your priority is to be true to yourself and only participate in activities that you are comfortable with in time frames that work for your schedule.

Thanks for writing in and always….

Hope With Abandon

J. Hope

If you have a question, email me at findhope@hopeboulevard.com