When He Doesn't Want To Stay

Dear Finding Hope

I was married for 8 years and 2 weeks before Christmas my husband moved out. I knew things were not great, but I never thought he would walk out, especially during the holidays. He said that he doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to live a lie. That life is too short to be with someone he doesn't love. With the help of family and friends, I managed to make it through Christmas, but now the truth is sinking in and with all the talk about the new year, I'm really struggling with how to handle my new reality. What do you think I should do? 

Not A Happy New Year


Dear Not A Happy New Year

First, let me say that I'm so very sorry for what happened to you and it is hard to understand why your husband picked this particular time to leave. It is true that the holiday season can put tremendous stress and strain on couples and individuals. Without knowing any of your back story, it's hard to know the true reason why he left, but here are a few things I can tell you. You can't make anyone stay who doesn't want to. Do not try to manipulate or guilt him into a different decision. I am not sure how much, if any, contact you've had these last few weeks, but I would suggest now that things are returning to normal that you reach out to him to see where his head and heart is. If you are unsure about handling your emotions, you could send him an email or text instead of calling. You do not want to turn this into a crying spree or yelling match, but it is fair for him to tell you what he is planning and feeling now that he has distanced himself for a bit. If he is open to talking, or even counseling, then that is a great sign and you should pursue that. If he remains resolute in being apart, then you must do your best to accept this. I would suggest you do what is necessary to protect yourself financially, but please do not act out of spite or revenge. 

The last thing I would suggest is to honestly examine your role in the relationship. I am not blaming you for anything, but the demise of most marriages is a combination of factors usually attributed to both partners. Before you can truly work to restore your marriage or heal your heart, you have to own what you brought to the table. Maybe you need professional assistance in working through those things, so please do not be hesitant to get that help. 

I am sorry for this turn of events in your life. I understand the future right now looks bleak and scary. Please do not lose hope or give in to your fears. The support of the friends and family will be invaluable and I encourage you to reach out to them whenever you need to. Work on the things that will make you a stronger person and more loving partner. Believe that you can weather this storm, regardless of the aftermath. Let me know your progress and I'm praying for the best outcome for you. 

Thank you for reaching out! I hope this helped in some small way. 

Always Remember... Hope With Abandon

J. Hope Suis

If you have a question, or need help, please email me at findhope@hopeboulevard.com